boundaries (secular)

Nancy Levin works in the area of setting and enforcing personal boundaries. She is an author and personal development coach. Her approach is pithy and practical. "Remember, at the essence, our boundaries are what’s ok and not ok with us, and what we do to take care of ourselves, our non-negotiables."

Here are some of her tips (paraphrased):

1. You hold the keys to your own boundaries. So don't cross your own boundaries. Don't say yes when you want to say no. Don't abandon yourself. Don't let somebody victimize you. Speak up. If someone refuses to respect your boundary, eliminate your relationship with him or her.

2. Know what you want. Then you'll be able to set proper boundaries instead of reactively prioritizing others' demands. Exercise: Write down 10 things you want in life, then beside those 10 things write how each would make you feel. Then decide what boundary you need to set.

3. It is ok to stay true to your own boundaries, no matter what others say about it. "NO" is a complete sentence.

4. Setting boundaries will build your confidence. Don't wait for confidence before setting a boundary. Set a small boundary. Then another. Then another. Your confidence will build.
"Beginner Boundary Ideas:

• Express your preference for what you want, or don’t want, to eat tonight.
• Let everyone in the house know that you’re taking 10 minutes of time for yourself today in your bedroom to meditate.
• Say no to one request today - with grace and gratitude instead of excuses. 
• Commit to 20 minutes of moving your body today - and honor the promise you’re making to yourself."

5. Practice saying "NO". It is ok if you fail sometimes. Keep practicing. "...put down your people-pleasing, overachieving, over-giving cape and begin flexing your no muscle."

6. Do you have boundaries around money?
"See if any of these ring a bell: 

• You online shop or spend money when you’re stressed
• You buy things for others but never anything for yourself
• You don’t save for your future
• You “loan” money to friends or family, even when you know it won’t be repaid
• You do the in debt/out of debt dance
• You pay for everything in order to avoid conflict or discomfort
• You’re afraid of feeling deprived
• You want to please others
• You’re uncomfortable saying no to your kids, partner, parents . . ."

7. Check your excuses. If you need to set a boundary, but you're making excuses for not setting the boundary, be aware you are self-sabotaging. Let go of the excuses and set the boundary.

8. Look at your present moment choices, and you'll have a good idea what your future will be. Each day, make choices that align with your personal vision.

9. Stop asking permission. State your boundaries (or preferences) affirmatively (in a loving way). If you don't want to do something, just say so (with gratitude and grace).      "You don’t need anyone else’s permission to have boundaries. Boundaries are a natural part of being human and it’s ok for you to have wants and desires. Asking for permission to set boundaries is like asking for permission to have self-worth, which will truly eat away at your self-esteem."

10. Find your life purpose - for yourself - regardless of anyone else's opinion or programming. Explore what is truly important to you. What "lights you up"? Take 10 minutes to write down everything that comes to mind. "...it will allow you to connect with a part of yourself you may not have given yourself permission to explore before" instead of seeking input from others.

11. Avoid taking on others' emotions as your own. Decide how you feel without getting caught in what others around you are feeling, and without taking on their drama. Be in relationships of caring mutual reliance where you do not have to be responsible for someone else's happiness.

12. No fear. Do not worry with fears of "what might happen if I set a boundary". Think about what good might happen if you do set the boundary! What might happen if you do not set the boundary (you will keep being an exhausted doormat)? Consider yourself and others. Take some time to think through where you may want boundaries, and what boundaries to set.

13. Take responsibility for your own feelings. Avoid saying "s/he made me so angry". That is giving away your power. It is your choice who you will let affect you, and it is your choice to set and enforce your boundaries. Do not give control of your emotions to anyone else.

"When we see the other person as the problem, we become powerless because we can't change them and end up feeling frustrated. In my twenties, I gave everything I had to my relationships but I was expecting them to give the same which didn't happen. I'd want to start over with someone new. That was my plan until I realized the issues were mine and would just follow me into the next relationship. THAT was the turning point for me. I've spent the last 30 years learning what didn't work in relationships and after much trial and error, what really made the difference. Learning how and when to talk things out, set healthy boundaries, and balance self-care with the needs of others were just a few... Are my relationships perfect? Of course not, but they are mutually supportive and loving. I know who to trust and who I need to be "light and polite" with and stop expecting more. I can have a difficult chat with someone and not feel guilty about what I said later. -- Michelle Farris LMFT